The Heterosexual Questionnaire

[sylvar]

To my heterosexual friends: Please overlook the somewhat arch tone of these questions. I would like it very much if you would try to give honest, thoughtful answers to these questions.

Thank you very much!


The Heterosexual Questionnaire

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?


2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?


3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?


4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?


5. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good Gay lover?


6. Do your parents know that you are straight? Do your friends and/or roommate(s) know? How did they react?


7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?


8. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?


9. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?


10. A disproportionate number of child molestors are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?


11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?


12. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?


13. Studies show that lesbians have the lowest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run the risk of disease and pregnancy?


14. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?


15. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?


16. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don't you feel s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?


17. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?


18. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems that s/he might face?

Comments

[poppinjaye.livejournal.com]

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

Just wired that way, sadly. I can't even be properly bi :(

2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?

Hmm. Well, initially my fantasies (like, age 5 or 6) were about being experimented upon by aliens (think Escape/Return to Witch Mountain). Then kidnappers, and everyone knows that all kidnappers are men.

3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

Anything's possible, though I've TRIED to get into the whole women thing. It can work in fantasies, but hasn't panned out in RL.

4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

Well, yeah. Vaginas are SCARY! LOL

5. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good Gay lover?

Sure!

6. Do your parents know that you are straight? Do your friends and/or roommate(s) know? How did they react?

Yes. Usually they joke about my choice in men, but that's stopped since I got married...

7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

Actually, I've pretended to be gay just to fit in before. If I flaunt anything, it's sexuality in general.

8. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

It beats cleaning the house.

9. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

Hmm. I've never tried to seduce a gay man, but I have successfully seduced several virgins (who might be gay now, no idea, haven't done any follow-up studies.) The challenge is fun!

10. A disproportionate number of child molestors are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

A disproportionate number of child molestors are men. That is why praying mantises have the right idea.

11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?

It's a bit like Twister mixed with Marco Polo, and a fair helping of Sorry!

12. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

Because there are so few stable people, period. Also because people change, and many marry before they figure themselves out.

13. Studies show that lesbians have the lowest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run the risk of disease and pregnancy?

Nope.

14. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?

Read a lot of slash fiction?

15. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

It couldn't. Good thing we're not!

16. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don't you feel s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

I shoudn't be able to discern the sexual leanings of my therapist. That's not what I pay her for!

17. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

No, I prefer drugs.

18. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems that s/he might face?

I'd just like for him/her to be healthy. I'd rather have him/her be straight than tone deaf, though. Straight doesn't stand out in a choir.

[sylvar.livejournal.com]

LOL, you win the internets AND at life.