Always mount a scratch turkey

[sylvar]

(If the subject line disturbs you, perhaps you've never heard the proverb "Always mount a scratch monkey".)

Jodi's family will be having Thanksgiving with us this year.
Thanksgiving is a meal at which a roast turkey is served.
A roast turkey to feed them all and have leftovers weighs about twelve pounds.
Cooking twelve pounds of meat in an oven can be a little tricky.
I am the cook in this household.
I am a vegetarian.
Stop me when you see where this is going.

So to gain some experience before inflicting my beast-roasting skills on very nice in-laws who really don't deserve food poisoning or even dry turkey, I'm practicing.

I will be using Alton Brown's recipe for brined roast turkey, starting with making a brine tonight, putting the turkey into the brine tomorrow night, and finally roasting the turkey Saturday.

I have no idea how to carve this thing.

Comments

[gardenwaltz.livejournal.com]

i'm not sure if i'm amused or disturbed. for the carving, i would recommend a sharp knife and a volunteer.

[osh1013.livejournal.com]

1) you're following the example of AB, so you're already off to a good start.

2) you're doing at least one practice run before the Main Event, so you're even more ahead of the game.

2.5) do you have an oven thermometer? Do you know what your oven's temp -really- is? Do you have a probe thermometer? As in the kind that has a line running to the readout unit which you set on the counter outside the stove, and an alarm that'll go off when the food reaches your set target temp? Those suckers are only like fifteen bucks, and are worth their weight in gold - especially when long-roasting pesky birds.

3) don't be afraid to heap on the herbs. Mmmm, rosemary and garlic... mmm. Under the skin, of course.

4) Carving: with a knife. after letting the bird rest and coast up to temp.
Best bet: cheat. Pass the knife to Jodi's dad and make a show of 'giving him the honors.' Compliments him and takes the onus offa you, all in One Fowl Swoop. ;)
If that fails, just cut the darned thing up into slices - larger than a saltine and smaller than the original bird. If anyone complains that "you're not doing it right" then hand them the knife - they obviously need the therapy to Get Over Themselves. Optional touch: while handing the knife to them, mutter something about "down, not across."

4.5) Alternative Scratch, in case everything goes to shit, is what I call 'Personal Pan Turkeys', aka Cornish Game Hens. Do everything just as you would for a normal turkey, except cooking time is shorter cause the birds are much much smaller. Then everybody gets their own bird all to themselves - no fighting over breast, leg, light-meat, dark meat - and carving is a distributed task. Cook a few more birds than there are consumers.

[vixi.livejournal.com]

I trust AB, but we disagree on stuffing. I have made some wonderfully moist bird.. STUFFED!!!

You are in good hands though, especially for a turkey novice. No "when it seems done" for you :P

Good luck!

Are you subscribed to the AB livejournal feed??!@

[ximinez]

I'm really surprised I'd never heard that scratch monkey story before.... Simultaneously amusing and aggrivating. Though it does remind me of the urban legend about the janitor unplugging the life support equipment to run his floor polisher.

"faking it"

[bethlynn.livejournal.com]

I suggest "faking it"

Call around the groceries in your area. Smaller high-end groceries rather than supermarkets if you have a choice. Ask for a pre-cooked turkey kit. Most come with a precooked bird, stuffing, gravy, and cranberry sauce. I suggest you stretch the gravy with a can of chicken broth. For a more realistic effect, pour another can of chicken broth over you bird as you put it into the oven. Also pour chicken broth over your stuffing to make it moist. You can never have enough chicken broth.

I did this for thanksgiving and christmas of 2003. Serves 8 with leftovers.

And as silly as it may sound, they make electric carvers for a reason.

[h-postmortemus.livejournal.com]

a) I have made and eaten many a turkey without ever brining. It's probably a good enhancement but hardly necessary for a good bird.

b) Stuffing doesn't need to go in the bird, but despite AB's insistance it really is pretty tastey and doesn't dry out the bird if you don't over do it (i.e. don't use huge amounts of bread crumbs, and make sure the stuffing is plenty moist when you put it in).

c) Speaking of stuffing, as long as you are impersonating a carnivore, consider using sausage in the stuffing! Jenn introduced me to that concept, and I love it.

d) Consider a 16 pound bird. Really.

e) Try and avoid frozen. Get a fresher bird, it'll taste much better. If price is no object, consider one of these.

Whatever you do, just don't try and make any of these...